Totally Awesome Adventures with Copper

So this man approaches me at the library…

Carrying an open army duffel bag, in which the only item I could see on top was a glow-in-the-dark basketball
Asks me if I’m interested in a business proposition, which I initially think is some weird hooker-code because he’s staring at my boobs
I say no, and he starts vaguely describing something to do with a law firm and spreading information for money
I say no
He gives me some man’s name to look up on facebook to find more information
He walks away
30 seconds later
He comes back
He asks if I’m interested in a non-profit
I say I used to work for one and ask what kind
He gives me a new man’s name (same last name) to look up on facebook where I will find the list of non-profits
He walks away
30 seconds later
He comes back
He hands me a piece of paper with an e-mail address and the words “NON Profit ASSOciate!” underlined underneath
He tells me to just add him to my circle
I politely smile and say okay
He walks away
30 seconds later
He comes back
He asks if I have a gmail account
I say yes
He goes away
I immediately facebook the first name
No logical results
I immediately facebook the second name
THE PROFILE PICTURE IS HIM AT THE LIBRARY ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE THIS INTERACTION STARTED IN A CHAIR 12 FEET FROM ME
I heard the phone sound, I forgot to tell that part in the beginning
There is no mention of a non-profit of any kind
There is mention that he is a born-again christian and “I spend hours a day just walking around looking for heaven.”
His interests: Walmart, Nike, Conservative, Gatorade
Four friends. All family.
And then I googled his name and found it in the county sheriff’s reports with about 10 counts of disorderly conduct over the last year
I mean
Am I going to die?
SOS
I just refreshed his facebook page and now there is about 20 times more information than before
He spelled the name of his high school incorrectly; people who inspire you: Mickel Jordan
I wish this was an elaborate joke that I’m telling
And not actually happening to me
Okay figured out the first facebook guy’s name is “Johnny” and not “John”
Which is creepy enough
His favorite television is listed as “FOX NEWS”
I MEAN
There is an HRC bumper sticker on the front of my computer
As in, you see it before you even see me
Okay wait, upon further research it seems like this may be a weird pyramid scheme
Do I really look that gullible?
Anticlimactic ending.